Toxic Conflict Avoidance

From an interview in the NY Times with Priya Parker, an expert on corporate communications:

You used the term “unhealthy peace,” which could feel like an oxymoron, because what’s unhealthy about peace? Can you explain what you mean? 

I’ll start with a personal story. I’m half Indian, half white American, and both of my parents are very conflict-averse. When my parents separated and then divorced, everyone was shocked because they never fought. So I learned from a young age that there’s great loss in avoidance. I’m actually a third-generation conflict-avoidant person. When heat rises, we just stick our head in the sand and hope it will pass. And unhealthy peace is the idea that if we just pretend this conflict is not there, if we just shove it under the rug, everything will be fine. But actually, when we don’t have meaningful conversations, the relationship can end. Often you hear in the culture, “It’s not my labor,” “It’s not my burden,” “There’s too much baggage” — as if friends are supposed to just be fun. But because we’re so conflict-averse, we exit before we’re actually willing to engage. Our communities and our families are fracturing, in part because we’re not taught the skills of how to have those fights. 

I don't much care about corporate communications, but I think this is an important dynamic in more personal spheres. That is, I think one reason there is so much less romance among young Americans is fear of conflict. I have heard dozens of stories about people who left relationships rather than try to fix them, because that would involve conflict. "He kept doing this and I couldn't stand it." Did you consider asking him to stop? Um, no.

If you are afraid of conflict, you can't have a truly deep and important relationship with another person, and I see a lot of conflict avoidance among young Americans.