On Not Getting Married, or, Nobody Better Tell Me What to Do

The latest sign of the ongoing disintegration of society is the viral spread of this painting, The Hesitant Fiancée by Auguste Toulmouche. Back in 1866 this represented, one assumes, the displeasure of a young woman at a marriage being pressed on her by her wealthy family.

Now that arranged marriage has disappeared from the lives of most of us, including all the people reposting this painting, it represents – what?

At the NY Times, Callie Holterman summarizes some of the ways this meme has been used:

Others on the app have used the painting as a punchline in response to phrases like “You’re overreacting” and “You really should smile more.” 

One commentator

thinks the painting has taken off online because so many women respond to the frustration on the bride’s face in a situation in which she is expected to appear grateful. The painting shows that women have been bristling at such societal expectations for centuries, she said.

And:

Joan Hawk, an owner of Bedford Fine Art gallery in Bedford, Pa., which has sold some of Toulmouche’s work, wondered whether the painting’s resurgence had to do with young women’s changing attitudes toward marriage. The light in the painting highlights the bride’s face, which, Ms. Hawk said, communicates something along the lines of: “Ugh, do I really have to go through with this?”

I see something deeper. To me, this is a symbol of the unending struggle between self-affirmation and social reality, between freedom and belonging. 

All the liberatory crusades of the past 250 years have sought to free us from this basic problem. We demanded the right to choose our spouses, our careers, our living arrangements, our sexualities, our genders, our beliefs; we insisted on pursuing our passions and chasing our dreams. And yet here we are, still frustrated with other people and their expectations. Somehow, despite our extraordinary freedom, we still feel confined, still feel that we are always lashing out at limits and barriers and people trying to control us. And we always will, because that is the price of living with other human beings.

The only way out is through loneliness, and I think it tells us something important about our world that millions have essentially chosen that path.

To the extent that posting The Hesitant Fiancée is just a good-natured way to share a bit of grumbling about our nagging relatives or annoying bosses, that is healthy. Everybody has these feelings. But to the extent that represents a belief that all demands on us are illegitimate, that is precisely our problem.

I was primed to react this way to a silly little story about TikTok memes by another Times piece. This was Anna Louie Sussman's reaction to all the talk about how people should get married, which includes this gem:

Harping on people to marry from high up in the ivory tower fails to engage with the reality on the ground that heterosexual women from many walks of life confront: that is, the state of men today.

If you're thinking I'm going to fault her for saying that and claim it shows there's something wrong with women, well, no. She's probably right. She's right because, I would say, men are even more susceptible than women to the call of freedom, and this manifests in everything from a refusal to tell your partner where you're going to criminality. Many, many American men bristle at any sort of restriction on what they can do and say. This turns some of them into Trump supporters and a few into meth dealers, but it makes it hard for many of them to maintain relationships.

We are just not, as a society, in a mood for compromise. It shows in our politics. It shows in the decline of every kind of communal organization. And it shows in the difficult many people have finding love and settling into marriage.